I'M NOT SURE WHY I'M THINKING ABOUT HARM-FARM, BUT I AM.

BEETSVILLE, OH – After a tragic communication mixup, Flossie Mongo devoured her husband of 30 years, Lester. "I asked my doctor if I should get on that Atkins diet and lose weight by eating meat. He just got all serious-like and said -- and I'm quoting now -- ‘Just eat Les.' At least that's what I thought he said. Now he claims there was a silent s on the end of Les." Mrs. Mongo explained that her husband had been riding her hard to follow whatever orders the doctor gave her for losing weight. "He was a real hard ass. I mean literally, I could hardly chew threw it." After a net gain of nearly 150 pounds in one day, Mrs. Mongo admits her other big mistake: "I should have spaced it out. That was way too much for one meal. But I worked up quite an appetite with all the stabbing and sawing. You have no idea." She adds, wistfully, "I'll miss him, but quiet is good too."