TIRED OF IT.

I'm getting sick.
Not physically, although aliments could be discussed in either sense.
I'm sick of being walked all over.
I'm tired of putting out all the effort humanly possible in relationships, only to have them smack me around and force me to doubt that which is good within me.
I'm sick of having my pride dangled in front of my face without the promise of any sort of compensation.
I've finally found another human being who seems to care unconditionally and give out what they've promised, and every other relationship pales in comparison to it. For some reason, Michael has forced me to realize that I deserve so much more than I've ever let myself take from other people. I may be demanding and bossy, but that doesn't mean that what I have to offer counts for anything less than it should.
I refuse to continue to be hurt by people who mean more to me than I seem to mean to them. It has to stop. I deserve so much more than that, and it's taken me a year of growth to really, genuinely realize that.
I refuse to be walked upon any longer.

HELLO, CITY.

It's so difficult to juggle turmoil and pain from twelve-hundred miles away.

I'm finally in an up-swing.
I can only wish the same for others.

I miss you and love you infinitely.
And although you already know that (and won't be reading it here, for that matter), I just needed to say it again.

SNL SKITS FROM JESUS.

"PRESIDENTIAL OUTTAKES"


"IF AL GORE WAS PRESIDENT"


Perhaps they didn't come directly from Jesus, but they might as well have.
Thank you SNL, and even bigger thanks to Daily Motion.

CENSUS, SCHMENSUS.

I'm on a rather insane quest for genealogy material for my grandmother, seeking to construct the missing pieces of her rather vast family tree. Despite the fact that I am killing myself over not being able to find the exact records that she needs, I have to stop and wonder if some day, my own genetic line will seek my family history out, and wonder just why it is they're all drunken, bi-polar, depressed, divorced nut-cases (so to speak) who aren't even punny.

Because that is my extended family at large.

Good times.

NOT SO STUCK IN A MOMENT I CAN'T GET OUT OF.

Finally got a call back from The Bucks of Star. The prospect of actual, legitimate work that will take up my time is beyond exciting. Exhilarating, even. I can't find the words to express the feeling of legitimate solace that overwhelms me when I think of productivity and my pursuit of such. I am so very ready to work, to do things that will legitimize my time here.

I have to essentially shift my train of thought because I've just finished watching the Conan O'Brien repeat episode with U2 as the guest stars, encompassing the entire show. Genuinely, the closing number at the end of that particular show is probably my favorite television moment ever. Hearing a very cut-and-dry acoustic version of "Stuck in a Moment (You Can't Get Out Of)" has to be the most amazing thing ever. I love it. It is, without question, one of my most revered songs, and I basically want to jump The Edge whenever I see this episode and hear that song.

And...It's sleep time.

EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT.

If you haven't found some way to get involved with The 1 Second Film, do so immediately.

Before I kick you.

Not kidding.

[Editor's Note: I'm an Associate Producer, which means practically nothing, but it's $1.00 towards an awesome cause, and I can submit my name for credit on IMDB. How freaking awesome is that? Pretty freaking awesome.]

I WANT TO BREAK FREE.

I am having an entirely awful day today.
Why?
Don't ask me- I have no idea why.
Well, there I go lying: I know exactly why I'm feeling the way I am, but everything I've ever known tells me to suck it up and stop being wussy.
I don't think I've used the word "wussy" in quite some time. I'll get on that.

I feel so disgustingly stagnant. I sit, waiting for applications to process, waiting for things to happen that I have absolutely no control over. And until things start moving, I am stuck in a place where I have no one, where I feel as though I know nothing, and where there is so little for me to do that is in any way productive.
I understand the way Michael feels in PA, but at least he has the opportunity to bury himself in work. Right now, I don't have that. The second I do, it will be absolutely all I care about. Until that moment, however, I am increasingly depressed.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be with anyone- not anyone here, at least. I feel as though I'm trapped in a place without a single person I genuinely trust, and that is driving me insane. I'm sleeping on a porch. Two people I love dearly are over a thousand miles away. Others are close to two hundred miles from me, a distance which my family seems bent on prohibiting me from traveling. I am immersed with "family time," and it has taken that to allow me to realize just how much I need to get away from this place. I have grown up so dramatically in the last year that it pains me to be back in a place that forces me to be twelve again. I have no friends or activities that allow me to escape, only a family with the intention of keeping me as close to them as humanly possible.

I cannot take it much longer.
I need something, anything that is going to make this less painful.
I can't sleep.
I have to get out of here. Now.

I HAVE A DREAMSICLE.

I'm on a Colbert posting-frenzy. Deal with it.
Better yet, enjoy.
Thanks a million, You Tube.

"TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT COMMANDMENTS."

Okay.
This is amazing.



Mad props to You Tube.

PAUSING.

In total honesty, the act of summoning up all the buying power in my life seems a bit more destructive than productive at the moment. I feel compelled to postpone the rather intense "buying spree," and just to focus on that which I do have. Which is, at the moment, not too much.
Oh, well.

WHY I LOVE STEPHEN COLBERT:

Because he even makes a hot 80's rocker.

He should be singing to "Kelley," but I'll get over it.

DAY TWO: $2000.00

1. Sweeney Todd 2005 Broadway Revival Cast Recording. [$25.00, ordered off of the production's website.]

After seeing this on Broadway a few weeks ago, I have no stronger desire than to be able to listen to it over and over again, something one might have expected me to already have done. However, money being what it is (non-existent), I am forced to wait temporarily.

2. 60GB Black iPod. [$399.00 from The Apple Store.]

Gluttonous as some may find it, I don't have enough space to store my musical library on the 20GB U2 Special Edition iPod I currently own. It's running on two years old, and now, it has begun to freeze occasionally, something which can prove devastating when I use it on the road.

3. Team Zissou Baseball shirt. [$17.99, finely crafted by the good people at ThreadPit.]

I haven't bought an amazing t-shirt like this one in quite some time. And along that same vein, I still need to purchase the film it so quip-i-ly takes after, but have not been monetarially able at this point. Perhaps tomorrow?

4. Motorola PEBL U6 Orange Phone. [$399.99, available for pre-order at Simon Cells.]

Ever since I set eyes on the PEBL, I've desperately desired it as a cellular companion. They're just so damn sleek and cuddly! Like a koala! Except with a camera, voice-activated dialing, and buttons. Koalas don't tend to have buttons.

5. Bragada Twin size Memory Foam mattress. [$392.43, via the Bragada site online.]

At the ripe old age of nineteen, my back has already been giving me trouble for years now. I continually find myself in pain even after a good night's sleep, and a really amazing mattress would be a first for me.

6. One ticket to the 2006 Tony Awards Ceremony on June 11th at Radio City Music Hall. [$550.00, found through any of the millions of online ticket brokers via Google.]

Tony Awards Ceremony = The Stuff Kelley's Dreams Are Made Of. In all actuality, though, that is one of those cool things I would absolutely never get the chance to see without optimal funding to do so. I would love more than anything to do so, and beyond that, I'm dying to find out if they announce a host for the show along with the nominees tomorrow morning. It's not Oprah, it's not Jackman, and, much to my dismay, it probably won't be Lane either. But, I can dream, can I not?

7. Donation to Kid's House of Seminole. [$215.59, made through the Kid's House of Seminole website.]

As a member of last year's Drama IV Class at Lyman High School, we adopted A Kid's House as our end-of-the-year charity to donate to. Our show ended up as a total incorporation of child-abuse awareness, and I continually wish we could have done even more to help and assist.

DAY TWO- TOTAL SPENT: $2000.00

THIS IS NOT FUN.

I sit, almost positive that I will be screwed out of federal aid for the next semester of school.
This is going to suck.
I might cry.
Not yet, but soon.

DAY ONE: $1000.00

1. Round-Trip flight to East Stroudsburg, PA. [$260.00, booked on Travelocity.]

What more can I say? I want to visit Michael again [Editor's Note: AND RACHEL. FORGET MICHAEL. I ONLY WANT TO VISIT RACHEL. BECAUSE SHE IS WAY HOT.] in late August before classes start up, and feasibly, I want to purchase the most affordable ticket available.

2. Plastic Fantastic Deluxe photography package. [$350.00, from the Lomographic Society International.]

Lomography is, according to Urban Dictionary, "a type of art photography in which color is emphasized. Traditionally, cameras such as the Holga, Lomo, Colorsplash, and Supersampler are used to create strange and unusual photographs. Lomographic photos are primarily characterized by vignettes (blurry and faded edges), random subjects, and nonadherance to traditional photography rules." I've been entirely fascinated with these cameras for as long as I can remember, and I desperately want to purchase at least one so that I can expand some of my picture-taking beyond the picture-phone realm.

3. Luxury Light Warmth Queen Size Down Comforter. [$250.00, purchased from Bed Bath & Beyond.]

With my handy, reliable down comforter at the ripe age of 30 years old (It went to college with my mother as well.) and feathers spitting out of several tears that I've hand-sewn, I would love an equally comfortable replacement.

4. Donation to Parners In Health. [$140.00, via the PIH website.]

I can't speak loudly enough for the work that this organization has done in terms of Haitian relief, not to mention their perpetual fight against TB. Plus, I sat through I-Robot with Paul Farmer. He bought me a chocolate milkshake. I figure I owe him a few dollars.

DAY ONE- TOTAL SPENT: $1000.00

IF I HAD A THOUSAND DOLLARS...

One of my personal favorites, Mr. Gene Monterastelli, has come up with a game I find rather interesting. It's the exploration of becoming comfortable with abundance and just what we, as individuals, find as our spending priorities. In an excerpt from a page on his website devoted to the game, he explains:

"Many of us are not comfortable with money and/or abundance.

We feel guilty because we have too much, because others have less than us.

We feel powerless because others have too much.

We feel like we can't have what we need for happiness because we don't have the money to get the education, experiences, or stuff to provide that happiness.

We feel like we are compared to others by how much we have.

We feel bad talking about it, but feel victimized when we aren't paid what we are worth."

"The idea is simple. Everyday you spend time pretending to spending money. Each day to start the exercise you make deposit into an imaginary checking account (filling out a bank ledger). Then you find what you want, you write checks for it, and you see what it feels like to have it.

The first day you spend $1000. On the second day you spend $1000 (for a total of $2000 on day 2). On the third day you spend $1000 more (for a total of $3000 on day 3). On the 365th day you spend $365,000, making the grand total almost $6.7 million dollars.

All of this is not to say that money and material possessions are the end all be all of existence or happiness. If we are not careful we can make them our God and have them control our lives. This does not mean it is bad. Money and stuff are just tools. If we have it we can do and help in ways we couldn't without it. [This paragraph was written because 1) I think it is an important point and 2) it is rooted in the desire to not come across as a money-grubber. Again, there is my fear of what others will think.]"

I find the idea one of such interest, I feel the desire to complete a similar exercise of my own, utilizing most of Mr. Monterastelli's rules/guidelines. His rules are as follows:

"The Rules
1) Each day I will spend $1000 more than the day before.
2) I can't buy the same thing twice.
3) I can't buy multiples of the same items unless it is reasonable to own more than one. (Ex: I can't buy 7 speed boats, but I could buy 6 chairs for my kitchen)
4) I must give away 10% each day.
5) I can give to an organization only once.
6) I must spend 95% of the money for the day, with the remanding money carrying over to the next day.
7) I must write a check for each purchase and write what the check is for on the memo line.
8) I will have fun."

Sounds interesting, right?
Right.

THE LIFE UNCOMMON.

I sat within the walls of a church this morning, something I have neglected to do for quite some time now. It is absolutely astounding to me how strong the call to service still is within me. I wouldn't have believed it if you had told me that over the past few months, still harbored within me is this genuine urgency to do something remotely humanitarian, and at the very least, substantial with my life.
I wanted to be a priest so, so badly. Not even a priest for what was required by the Catholic faith and teachings, but for the incentives of human interaction. By that, I mean to say, the opportunity to work with so many different individuals hands-on and in a very personal, legitimate, spiritual sense. To immerse myself in the strife and joy of human beings on a very frequent basis, and to allow them to find some sort of solace and companionship in my presence.

Basically, I just want to "do good."

I guess that was a bit of my secret in high school- here's a crazy teenage girl who wants to enter the seminary. Not realistically, seeing as the Catholic church still offers very little for women who choose a religious life (Not entirely true, though. I merely speak of the pastoral responsibilities as something more engaging than life as a sister or a seminary-trained female. I wanted to be more prominent than that, I suppose. Selfish of me? Perhaps, but I've always felt as though women deserve more responsibility in the church. Hopefully, someday, that will come about.).

I think what influenced that drive the most was growing up around these men who were so very devoted to the people they served in almost every imaginable capacity. I know more priests than I can count, a large number of whom I managed to chat with again this morning. At a very young age, they became for me not only friends, but models for what I wanted to be, well-springs of the goodness I believed was within each individual and merely waiting to surface.

Over the years, that concept has been betrayed a few times, as I am sure happens with every bit of the "stuff dreams are made of." Some of these men, I feel, cheated others out of some of the joys and responsibilities they should have enjoyed. Some found heavily weighing voices more important than those whom they were supposedly responsible for serving. Some, dare I say it, simply changed, as though help and compassion simply weren't enough motivation for them any longer. I have watched these men progress, and regardless of their own transformations, I, too, have grown. I know more about myself, about the tolerances I allow around me, and how willing and open I have become to things I might have forever closed myself to. I have learned to be hurt. I have fallen in love. I have made wrong decisions, and I have ultimately learned to shape myself as the human being I desire to be. Along that path, somewhere, I found a bit of the capability and drive to be all of those things I hoped to encompass without the aide of the church. Not literally, of course, but without the legitimate sacramental notation that I once deemed essential and necessary in preserving the essence of what I wanted to be as an individual who is decent, compassionate, and eternally giving.

I continue to strive toward that, regardless of what life requires of me in order to do so.

"FAMOUS." WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

There is an over-abundance of media exposure that has led me to the belief that celebrity status in the universe is not only attainable, but relatively happenstance.
Not necessarily- but in the last few days, I've been reading Live From New York, an "uncensored" pseudo-biography of Saturday Night Live from its conception to its eventual established niche in popular culture, written by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller. I'm fascinated for obvious reasons, the primary being the establishment of the notorious seven original Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players, some of whom remain my greatest improvisational heroes to date.

What continues to eat at me, page after page, is how intensely easeless some of these performers made their work history out to be. That last sentence probably makes no sense, but what I'm trying to say is that there seems to be this collective of innately talented individuals who simply showed up and watched this wonderful and exclusive world build up around them. I am not saying that they did not have the talent, ambition, or work ethic to be there- hardly. What I have difficulty understanding is how all of these vastly illuminate individuals managed to find each other so perfectly and with such immense precision; how, at twenty-one years of age, these people were writing for a nationally syndicated program or doing absolutely incredible work that surpasses some of my more creative fantasies. I remain legitimately baffled.

And honestly, it's not just the book that has brought all of this rapid-fire deduction on: I feel absolutely bombarded with the concept of "mediazation" of an individual(In my own words, the intense and repeated inundation of individuals in society by means of television, internet, movies, media of other sources, etcetera. Naked Chronicles defines it as "the way in which symbolic forms in modern society have become increasingly mediated by mechanisms and institutions of mass communication") to the degree where they have no course but to become "famous" by whatever social public exists.

I have no difficulty with these levels of "fame" that might as well be attained on a day-to-day basis. The fact is, I desire very little of that sort of public identification. What I so desperately seek is the kind of artistically-driven atmosphere that seemed to exist in this SNL reality within the late seventies, a world that housed some notoriously incredible minds with what seemed to be great ease. I simply cannot imagine the abundance of talent that appeared to merely gravitate towards one another. It seems a rather impossible feat, to be honest. But, good heavens, how I would kill for it.

I have a considerable envy for those with whom everything appears to merely fall into place. I am sure that the situations are certainly skewed from that sort of simplicity, but there are so many instances where everything looks as though an individual with some sort of god-given talent just met the right people at the right time and managed to get what they needed with so little extraneous effort. Seamless goal accomplishment, if you will.

All of this just seems to drive home the fact that I need to continue to work unceasingly and unwaveringly in my efforts towards whatever it is I so desperately desire. I have to work and work and work. But I'm not really concerned with that. I just need it. More than anything. And therefore, it is my responsibility to make it happen. Period. Simple as that.
Good.

IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

Back in Dunedin at last after a good two hours of flight delay.
Tired as all get-out.
Sad to be away from a loved one, but that's just the way it goes.

Stupid human beings continue to leave me comments on just how atrocious a fellow human being I happen to be. Just another reminder of why I despise people, and certain individuals on top of that.
It's nice not to care what people think, at least for the moment.
[Editor's Note: I'm on summer vacation- if someone wants to give me crap, let them attack me long-distance so that they remain safe and protected. Regardless, they appear to be little girly-girls with a lack of gonads and a perpetually high-school mentality. Fun.]

On another note, I'm so very illiterate tonight. This morning. Whatever. I've lost all ability to be cognitive at this point, so it's not really worth typing too much more. I'll find some way to make sense of everything in the morning.

SNOOPY ROCKS MY SOCKS.

Delay in updates?
You better freaking believe it.

Monday, we were lazy. Get over it.
Tuesday was an all-day-palooza at the Shawnee Playhouse. I read a book, and it was lovely. The end.
Wednesday, praise Jesus, was lazy. Deal, be-otches.
Thursday we had yet another all-day-palooza at the Shawnee Playhouse. I hung and sorted and cleared to my heart's content, and then I did not. 'Tis as simple as that.
Friday led me into the grand land of Harrisburg, where I attended a college graduation and ate crappy food with my dearest love, Annie. And then, of course, a little drinking.
Yesterday was spent tromping around Dorney Park (which, luckily for me, is basically Snoopy-dominated). It was easily one of the best days I've had here in PA, despite the fact that I am completely devoid of energy and/or funding from here on out in my stay.
Today was time spent in The City. "Time spent" does not exactly constitute "time well spent," but that's simply my burden to deal with. And then, there was a little drinking.
In remaining ambiguous, I hold power. Tee hee.
And tonight, I sleep for hours and hours on end. Possibly days. Maybe months.
Actually, just hours. That works.