BEDTIME.

Ugh. I can't believe that it takes me such a horrifically long time to muster up the time and/or energy to write a mere update on the goings-on of daily life.
Perhaps it's because I don't think I could reasonably depict each and every detail of my daily life.
Because it's too boring- perhaps.
Because it's too invigorating- Ha.
Maybe it's because I just don't want to have to relive everything. Or make anyone else do so. It's not that life is awful- in fact, sometimes, it's beyond amazing. But, the fact of the matter is, I want to live it, experience it, and then move on.
I'm lying.
I want it all here, detail by detail, ready to glance through at my disposal.
I'll have to be better about that in the future.
In other news, life is good. Really nice. I'm exhausted, but there's absolutely nothing new about that statement.
And I've been up typing for a full hour since I came to bed.
I wonder how I could possibly be tired...

Alright. Sleep. For the moment, anyway.
And some good stories to follow, I hope.

WEEKEND.

Easily the most fun and relaxation I've had in the past few months. I needed time to be away and alone, far from the prying eyes of people and things who simply don't matter to me.
Ahh.
It absolutely "sucks" to be back in town, but at least I managed to get from this weekend the kind of replenishment that I desperately needed.
Pictures to follow, of course.

HUGH LAURIE IS CRYING.

I have missed the last five episodes of House, M.D.
I am such an unbelievable disappointment.

BRIG-A-WHAT-WHAT.

IT IS FINISHED.
DONE.
OVER.
I could not be more overjoyed to have my evenings to myself, even to the slightest degree. Life has been eternally frustrating for the past few weeks, but now, it's over and done with and things can move forward.
I am so beyond excited.
Can you tell?

SILLY LITTLE FOOL.

This is just my two-week span of insanity, I guess.
I don't know exactly how much I've been through in the last few days (seeing as I feel relatively removed from myself for the time being), but I can estimate that it adds up to a grand total of More Than I Have Ever Dealt With In My Life Excluding A Few Solitary Occasions.
Fun!
Life sits as a tediously balanced item, weighted on either end and ready to plummet without a moment's notice. I'm certainly alright with that. After all, without the tension, where would life's excitement spring from?
It just so happens that the same tension that engages and inspires me also threatens to, in most eloquent terms, make me vomit. My stomach sits in a hushed disdain that looms with the fear of erupting at any second. Food has, once again, become a thing to be reviled, if only for the fact that it will not stay down. I feel myself weakening in both physical and mental capacities to say the least. These last few weeks have proven some of the most emotional in my life, and I daresay, I never want such a thing to occur again. I feel so very little, so easily threatened, and so very, very weak.
Not a good thing, I can assure you.
Feeling infantile is probably one of the most painful experiences I've ever faced. I do not want to feel as though I am not in control of the world around me. I do not want to feel as though my body will not obey my simple requests to take in the nutrients necessary to sustain function. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in tears like a silly little fool.
I have never felt like a fool, but every time my eyes threaten to well up, I am nothing short of swimming in foolishness.
Silly. That's what life is right now.
Silly.

BEST DAY EVER.

I just spent the most relaxing afternoon/evening ever with three amazing people.
Oh, and a puppy. He was cute, too.
Gerard, Michael, and Rachel make my life. They're amazing, and each in some crazy, unique sense. I would be absolutely lost without their friendship right now.
A bout of playtime sans-Brigadoon was exactly what we all needed so that there was a lack of tension and anxiety in the air. And there was. It was literally the perfect, relaxing expedition I could have hoped for.
Pictures later. I promise.

GOOD DAY.

It's Michael's 21st birthday, but beyond that, today is going to be so much better than any other day this week has been.
I can tell.
I have (some) renewed energy, I had a lovely time with my dearest of friends last night, and best of all, I know that I have people around me who care about me.
And that, above all, is huge.
Okay. It might be nap time. We'll have to see.

[Editor's Note: The above post seemed horribly amiss by the time Brigadoon rolled around this evening, then quickly progressed back to the level of fantastic-ness I could have hoped for. I have rectified several different things on emotional and professional levels, allowed myself some form of relaxation, and have opportune ability to sleep until call at noon tomorrow. Good day, indeed.]

MOMENT.

I feel totally and utterly crushed.
Zombie-like.
I have so little stamina left to deal with everything around me.
At this moment in my life, I want nothing more than someone just to hold me, and yet, I am isolated and alone and it is all of my own doing.
I'm a disappointment, but not just for all of those other people.
I'm a disappointment to myself.

If anyone else is going to step on whatever happens to be left of me, please, do it now. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

TALKING POINTS.

This has been my week for disappointing people, I guess.

I have no roommates.
I have friends who seem enjoy their distance.
I have parents who wish I would do more.
I have peers who wish I would keep my mouth shut.
I have a boyfriend who wishes I would open up.
I have instructors who want me to work.
I have a voice in my head that demands more from me than I think I have to give.

I am exhausted. I wish the things I did were not so detrimental to those around me, but, apparently, they are. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Sleep cannot come too quickly.