ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

I had a fellow cast member speak of today as "one of those times when everything you are sure of becomes fair game for questioning."
[Editor's Note: I took some liberty with the quote- sue my ass. And then, get over it.]
There are certainly moments when I will myself towards failure for the sake of failure. Today didn't seem to be one of them: I woke up, and I honestly started off in a reasonable manner, determined to push my way through any lingering negativity I was still facing.
But, within an hour of Wakened Glory, I was already dreading Indulgences rehearsal. It's become something I genuinely fear, simply because I feel so very displaced no matter the effort I put forward. It's the most challenging part I've ever dealt with, the largest role I've ever had (although I'd never admit it in conversation for my own vanity's sake), and I find myself with a group of people I'm thoroughly intimidated by.
With the sudden and unexpected departure of Matt Faison (Damn you, Wilma, and all the insanity you bring!), The L.H. suggested that we allow ourselves some "getting to know you" time. Reasonable, but wholly intimidating when you are a socially inept individual, such as I.
And, of course, it was. My uncomfortable silence is often interpreted as arrogance; why is that? If I had intentions of arrogance, people would certainly know about it. Nevertheless, I was provided with far more information than I ever knew or had the ambition to know about most of the individuals in the room (Although one revelation, that which I think few took for any kind of magnitude, struck me as quite sincere, and something I genuinely felt empathetic towards).
I wish I found myself comfortable around people. I wish I was exuberant, lively, and enjoyed by those I spend time with. I wish confidence came easily to me.
But it doesn't.
Which is why I sit here typing at 2:00 AM to an audience that will never care enough to read my thoughts.
I guess it's easier that way.