TONY, TONY, TONY, TONY, TONY...

The Play-By-Play(-By-Musical) That No One Wants To Read:

1. Harry Connick, Jr. looks like an addict. Scary. Give us an actor, please.
2. DAVID HYDE-PIERCE!!!!!
3. Kera Sedgwick and Josh Lucas are stars? I'm confused.
4. Please, let Barnet win.
5. He's really hot.
6. Ooh. So is Gleason.
7. Tight category. Very good looking men. Who gets it?
8. Ian. Gotcha.
9. Oh, Frank Langella. If you weren't so damn mean in Dave, we would still love you.
10. Shut up, Rogue.
11. Francis de la Tour is my pick. Please, let the crazy woman win.
12. Yay!
13. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
14. Be-otches.
15. Joe Pesci? Ha.
16. The pre-show mentioned commercial expertise. I am so not impressed. Except for the fact that it was totally Michael Hitchcock ducking from the rain. Hot.
17. "Let's not wait until we sit through another crappy commercial!"
18. The New Adventures Of Old Christine looks like yet another CBS show I will not be watching. Thanks, Network Television!
19. Jane, I don't really like you. But Michael Jeter is my favorite dead man in the universe. Good God, he was amazing.
20. Chita. Oh, Chita.
21. Bob Fosse said "Dance expresses joy better than anything else." Except, I think, the bald, joy-filled, and gleeful face on Casey Nicholaw right before Kathleen Marshall stole away his category.
22. Stop talking, Kathleen.
23. All of these Great Quotes In Tony Winning History are killing me. Give me awkward scripting or give me death, American Theatre Wing!
24. "Stupendous." That just made my night.
25. Oh, Drowsy Chaperone. "Show-off"! Thank GOD!
26. Sutton rocks my proverbial socks.
27. She is easily my favorite female in Musical Theatre right now. Gorgeous, cute, talented, lovely, and engaged to the cutest male nerd in theatrical history.
28. This show is boring me, I'm afraid. It's perfect star-vehicle for Sutton, but other than that...
29. I just love her. That's all there is to it.
30. AND THEY FLASHED CHRISTIAN RIGHT AT THE LAST MOMENT, LOOKING ALL CUTE AND PROUD! GAH! CBS! THEY'RE SO DAMN CUTE.
31. I think I can restrain myself, A Chorus Line commercial. Same with Mary Poppins, you silly network advertisements!
32. "I promise to be a rat dog." Nice one, Cesar.
33. AIM away message reads, "Watching the Tonys. Interrupt me and die."
34. Oh, Paul Rudd. You can't read. And you "need Lasik." How endearing.
35. "I really do need that surgery." If you have to admit it on national television, then, yes, you do. Good thing they included it in the gift bags.
36. Um. A win for Drowsy Chaperone. Hmm. Don't expect that to win. "Literally."
37. "Deported back to Canada." I love them.
38. Barbara Cook. You're so colorful.
39. And Paul Shaffer. You're so bald.
40. Ha. Lloyd Webber certainly didn't show up for Woman In White. Do I blame him? No.
41. Drowsy Chaperone?! Are you as wonderful as the Tony Voters would have me believe? Only an album release will convince me.
42. JOANNE! I MISSED YOU! And NEIL! Yay!
43. SWEENEY! Now everyone will see why I loved it so much. Ha.
44. THE OPENING!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!
45. And "The Worst Pies In London." It is so my night.
46. This has got to be the most amazing Tony Performance Concoction EVER.
47. I have to go take a shower. Because, I mean, CHRIST: THAT WAS HOT.
48. The Lion King. Right. This has to be the first year of constant show ads. I'm Lovin' It. And now, I owe McDonald's money.
49. Why haven't I been watching How I Met Your Mother?
50. Oh, Liza. What a crazy.
51. Rosie, you drive me insane. And not because I like you.
52. "The Year In Plays!"
53. Hank and Oliver- Hottest Character Actors.
54. And John Doyle must win.
55. And...He does. Good.
56. And...He gives an honest, admirable speech. Sweet.
57. Jersey Boys introducing Jersey Boys. Loves it.
58. John Lloyd Young, may I jump you, please?
59. Oh, Jersey Boys. You are my Four Seasons of Wonderful-ness. If it doesn't win Best Musical, I will cry.
60. Who loves you, pretty baby? I do. Yep.
61. Mandy Patinkin can Crestor my blood pressure any time.
62. Broadway Across America is trying to get the family vote. Freaking Conservatives.
63. HARVEY!!! "A gay man's work is never done." He is my favorite. Seriously.
64. Angela Lansbury. My dearest.
65. "One Day More". And "And I Am Telling You". Basically amazing.
66. Mary Lane! I mean, Kristen Bell! How cute is she? She thinks that this guy is so damn freaky. And rightly so.
67. You might as well be buried, Hal Holbreck. But you're still amazing.
68. Awake And Sing. Okay.
69. Molly Ringwald has big eyes. And is probably insane. Because I say so.
70. "Your Wedding Day". The only good number in the show. I love life.
71. Stephen Lynch, I will have you.
72. Seriously, I heard this number months ago, and I knew then that it would be the only good song. And of course, I was correct. At least it's fun. And it sounds great. The only song that does, but still.
73. Jimmy Woods! I will watch your crappy CBS show, but only because you were Hades at one point in your career. That takes balls.
74. Ha. Broderick. He's like, ten.
75. Hooray for Simon Beale! Christopher Seiber! I missed you! Oh, Spamalot was such a fun show. But they really need to stop inviting the former Musical winners to talk about the American Theatre Wing. It's just kind of sad.
76. Sara is wonderfully large. And he (T-something) makes my life, but only because he's so wonderfully comic.
77. Drowsy Chaperone is driving me crazy this evening. It has to be better than that number, because this is insane.
78. "EAHhHh." She just gave the greatest speech ever.
79. Jim and Anna make me the happiest little theatrical geek alive.
80. Alan Cumming. You are so gay. And I am okay with that.
81. Cyndi Lauper, your voice is gone. I'm sorry. But, I thought you should know.
82. This number may very well be as boring as the thought of Alan Cumming kissing a woman. Ha! It just happened! I am a genius.
83. And now he's kissing a man. Much better.
84. Oh, please, Gods Of Television, give me another A Chorus Line commercial. What?! Huzzah! It worked!
85. We're already half-way through and I've only screamed once or twice. Talk about your uneventful Tony Award Ceremony.
86. Here's the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center season: Monty Python's Spamalot, The 25th Annual Putnum County Spelling Bee, On Golden Pond, The Light In The Piazza, Doubt, and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Who, may I ask, slept with the entire American Theatre Wing to get that schedule?
87. Here's hoping that The History Boys takes home the Tony.
88. Wait. "Murder over cat"? How did Stanley Tucci get through that with a straight face?
89. Oh, return of The Dioramas!
90. "A Republican puppet. That rings a bell." Hooray for Christine Ebersol and the best line of the evening.
91. "The lights, the costumes, Alan Cuming...Call me!" Rod, you will forever be a presenter, won't you?
92. Christian Hoff?! I am so excited for him, but what the crap!? YAY!!!
93. Score one for my Jersey Boys.
94. Brian Stokes Mitchell: My Man of La Mancha. And hottness.
95. That was the greatest Hal Prince no-named-actor-stand-in-montage ever.
96. And, of course, we have to sit through "Music of the Night." Why God, why? Not really- he's good. Ooh. Really good.
97. DREAMGIRLS PREVIEW!!! Ugh. My life just got so much better. I've been waiting for that teaser for at least a year. Happy Kelley.
98. Ben Vereen...Why do I not see you more often?
99. "Ahh! What joy!" Ha! So, they DID give out a "replacement Tony" this year.
100. She's such a cute old lady. I have to become her best friend.
101. WHAT?! Cynthia Nixon! That's the second big steal of the evening. Wow. That's all I can say.
102. I love me some really tanned Tyne Daly.
103. Cynthia Nixon is a cute theatre junkie. And I think I like her.
104. Not like that.
105. Julia, stop sucking up because nobody likes you. Now.
106. Richard! Hooray! Now little kids will have an excuse to love you. Well, any kids that watch the Tony Awards. So, really, little kids will still hate you. Sorry. But I love you.
107. Griffiths is the funniest man alive. Thank God I'm taping this ceremony.
108. McKean! I love you oh-so-much!
109. But I hate The Pajama Game. How much can they slide those octives? Eww.
110. Yes, we know he plays the piano. Wow. Big Whoop.
111. He is most definitely an addict. I mean, look at him. Jeez.
112. "Ole!" No, "olay," as in, "Oil Of Olay." Something Harry might want to look into if he wants to destroy those bags under his eyes.
113. There is no business like show business, CBS. Advertisers, you might want to remember that.
114. The Color Purple is the only number yet to perform. Let's hope that LaChanze blows us away. She should. I don't have any doubts.
115. Groucho. You ham.
116. Norbert! Victoria! I saw you at a bus stop! No, not you, Norbert.
117. Ha. I watched the early show. So, there. I was at the clam-bake.
118. Costume Designers looked pretty scary tonight. Hmm.
119. Jonathan Pryce is my choice for Never-Ending-Love-Affair.
120. PAJAMA GAME? What kind of crap is that?! Sweeney Todd was horribly robbed. I wonder if Roundabout has it rigged by now?
121. Alfrie comes out to make us sad about death. This will be heartfelt, I'm sure.
122. James Earl Jones is the greatest actor ever. Honestly. He's unbelievable.
123. Oh, but they forget to mention that August Wilson didn't like white people very much. Something about "racism," if I remember correctly. He would have cut Cynthia Nixon. Cut her with a spoon. And Alfrie would have laughed.
124. SO MANY DEAD PEOPLE. My goodness. I am saddened.
125. DAVID. I would have your logical, dead-pan children.
126. Yay for The History Boys!
127. Oprah and her shimmery dress are only relatively captivating. But, I must admit, she's the most compelling announcer thus far.
128. "Hell no." Damn, she's unbelievable. Yep, The Color Purple is going to win. Sorry, Jersey Boys.
129. Bernadette...GROSS!
130. My father says that I have to say just how much I hate Bernadette Peters. And so, I will. I hate her a lot.
131. Glen Close has guns.
132. YAYAYAYAY! John Lloyd Young! I love you! Yay for winning! You're amazing! Please, let me jump on you.
133. This is the greatest acceptance speech ever. He makes me so happy.
134. Bernadette is...Ugh. Let's just hope that Patti wins.
135. LaChanze. Okay. I can deal with that. Ooh, standing ovation, too. Loves it.
136. Oh, Julie Andrews! Must we wait through commercials to see your shining face?
137. Wow. A whole ceremony without Nathan. I think I might cry.
138. Yay! Julie! She's so red!
139. "Oh! Those dear boys have lost her talent!" How much do I love Mary Martin?
140. JERSEY BOYS TOOK IT! YES! HAZAAH! THAT MAKES MY LIFE! Oh, life is good!
141. And we get another shot of the gorgeous Lloyd Young. Mmm.
142. Christian Hoff, I love you, too. You don't have to say it.
143. Oh, Oprah is going to cut a bitch. Cynthia Nixon- watch out.
144. American Theatre Wing, if you've learned anything tonight, it is obviously that you need a host to keep my focus. Hell, I'll even deal with Jackman. Just make it cohesive. Love, Kelley.

That will do it, darlings. To steal from the darling Julie Andrews, "until next year."