I'M NOT ONE TO STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S MATERIAL, BUT THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You love pointing out that you were raised by wolves, but you never mention that they were Harvard-educated, old-money Boston wolves.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Plastic bags are not a toy, but you understand that they can still be a lot of fun if you use them to smother children.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
The stars have always been a great influence on your fate. This will never be as true as it is next week, when a certain yellow G-type variable star cuts loose with a really impressive flare.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Everyone has problems, but they don't all expect the whole universe to come to a standstill because of them. Only about half of them expect that.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You'll no longer have any reason to doubt the transcendent power of love after you see it obliterate an entire armored division in military tests.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Some people would cut off their nose to spite their face, but you're not like that. You did it because you thought it would make you look like a wingless man-bat hybrid.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Your millions can't help you find love and happiness, especially because the word "millions" here doesn't indicate any sort of monetary unit.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You'll watch as dozens die in a bus accident, but take heart: Everyone will know there was nothing you could have done without severely inconveniencing yourself.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You've been forced to conclude that people are just no good, no matter how you slice, puree, braise, fry, or sauté them.

Thank you, Mr. Onion.