I WANT TO BREAK FREE.

I am having an entirely awful day today.
Why?
Don't ask me- I have no idea why.
Well, there I go lying: I know exactly why I'm feeling the way I am, but everything I've ever known tells me to suck it up and stop being wussy.
I don't think I've used the word "wussy" in quite some time. I'll get on that.

I feel so disgustingly stagnant. I sit, waiting for applications to process, waiting for things to happen that I have absolutely no control over. And until things start moving, I am stuck in a place where I have no one, where I feel as though I know nothing, and where there is so little for me to do that is in any way productive.
I understand the way Michael feels in PA, but at least he has the opportunity to bury himself in work. Right now, I don't have that. The second I do, it will be absolutely all I care about. Until that moment, however, I am increasingly depressed.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be with anyone- not anyone here, at least. I feel as though I'm trapped in a place without a single person I genuinely trust, and that is driving me insane. I'm sleeping on a porch. Two people I love dearly are over a thousand miles away. Others are close to two hundred miles from me, a distance which my family seems bent on prohibiting me from traveling. I am immersed with "family time," and it has taken that to allow me to realize just how much I need to get away from this place. I have grown up so dramatically in the last year that it pains me to be back in a place that forces me to be twelve again. I have no friends or activities that allow me to escape, only a family with the intention of keeping me as close to them as humanly possible.

I cannot take it much longer.
I need something, anything that is going to make this less painful.
I can't sleep.
I have to get out of here. Now.