AN EYE FOR AN EYE, I SAY...

He shoved me first. That's all I'm saying. Now, read the story and see if it amuses you to an intense degree. If it doesn't, than I'm sorry to say that you are Fr. Derk. That means that you should already be in your "big, lonely house, crying into a pillow", as is quoted from the aforementioned Holy Man.
Read on. Enjoy. Maybe eat some cookie dough. Whatever works for you...
Tonight was Session Number Two of what the new YM has deemed "Sunday Session", a basic bible study for the five high schoolers in the parish that don't find Derk creepy and sadistic...Not that I do...(In fact, I think I've decided I'd like to send him a card...I just wonder what I could get the personal message to say...)
Besides the normal "coping with SMM" stuff, it was a relatively good evening...Nothing too ignorant for my taste, only one real Prince Of Evil encounter: One of the kids needed to get into the Youth Room, but I, being keyless, had no way to help...When suddenly, he himself emerged, and there was darkness throughout the hallway. I fearlessly beckoned out into the corridor, "Do you have keys? Oh, that's right-- You're the Associate Pastor. They don't trust you with things like that!"
He gave me that evil look stating, "I know you're right, but I'm going to throw a fit so that you think I'm being insulted by your pseudo-wit..." A look to which Kelley laughed. And it was a good, hearty laugh.
Derk then turned around, fetched his keys, dangling them in front of my eyes with majesty and supreme delight, and said, "You need to get into the room, huh? Well, only for you..." At that point, he was looking (Ugg...I dare not type this utter desecration of my person, but I must remain accurate to my story...Okay, here goes...) almost lovingly into my eyes (But more in an admirable sense, as an uncle looks upon his niece, or a father upon his daughter...It still FU*KING creeps me out, though!)...
To which, Kelley thoughtfully retorked, "Umm...Save that for her." Her, of course, being the kid standing next to me...And Derk, following through subserviently with my too-educated command, says, "Okay, then...Only for you," grudgingly looking back at me and just barely glancing at the girl. He unlocks the door, steps back to let her enter, then glares at me, blinks, smiles, chuckles to himself, pokes me playfully on the arm, and slinks away...
Creepy SOB...
After the meeting was finished, he had bored me to death, tried to throw things at me in his little white "muscle" Polo shirt, and accused me of cheating on some amazingly simple "Biblical Quiz Questions", or as I would like to refer to it, "Search Through The Bible Like Some Poor, Deprived Circus Monkey In Need Of Pre-occupation (To Keep From Obvious Suicide And/Or Murder Seeing As It Is A Circus Monkey I'm Talking About) And Find Some Answers To Dumb Mathematical Questions So That It Looks Like I've Taught You Something With My Ignorant Waste Of Collar I Call The Preisthood And Seminary Training"...It was enlightening...Truly...
I made my way back into the Youth Room to get a soda and some pizza, and of course, he follows me inside, literally walking with me to each and every thing I move to take a look at...The air hockey table, fooseball, video games, more pizza, and he's there, at my back, the entire time...Finally (And I say finally with great relief, as I did mentally at that point...), he starts to leave, and shoves me into the couch. Shoves. Not pushes. Not brushes, lightly taps, gently nudges, but shoves me, with his ginormous, Hunchback shoulders...
"Oops! Sorry about that..."
With the sarcastic overtone, what I do next would be much more justifiable...But I can't really relay the true sarcasm in the sentence...Oh well...
So, I jumped up and shoved him back...And he hit the wall...And the door...And a surfboard that was hanging up on one of the walls that just happened to choose my moment of glory and revenge to make a break for the Atlantic seaboard...
He winced with pain, and I laughed. Well, everyone laughed, to be honest. But it felt good to watch him drudge on home, knowing that Kelley possessed not only strength and edge, but overwhelming telekinesis...
It's the little moments in life that count for the most.