PROOF THAT KELLEY HAS A LIFE BESIDES STALKING THE DISGUSTINGLY GORGEOUS ANTONIO BANDERAS...

(Okay, so maybe it doesn't prove that I have a life, but at least it proves that I'm not stalking him 24-7!)

What do you do when you can't remember the words to the theme song for "Full House"?
Send out a horrible, mentally destructive email, of course!
I hope the world is chipper and bright, seeing as my words have had a lack of existence for the last few months...Not that they haven't been there, cynical, obsolete, and pushy as ever, but slightly hidden from the world's...I mean, my email list's view...
You missed me...Didn't you?!
Well, I didn't miss any of you, obviously, which is why I'm taking the minute-and-a-half it requires to forward a bit of cynical banter into your overly-populated inboxes and "you've-got-mail" thingies...
And yes, "thingies" is how I will refer to AOL, simply because I don't have it, and because idiots like Madonna probably do...Of course, that's all speculation, but let's just roll with Kelley's invalid ploys...
Okay? Yep, works for me, too...
Actually, I really did miss {talking/emailing/making fun of behind their backs/making fun of in front of their faces/just generally being a jerk} to everyone in the world, but especially the people I have email addresses for (Feel free to use whichever one or two instances display our personal relationship most accurately...And if they both have to do with you being made fun of by a certain ME, I implore you to continue reading this letter sometime after you reach the mature age of 39...But hey, do what you
like!)...I genuinely hope that your lives have become just slightly more enriched since I've been out of them, and that sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows follow you aimlessly across fields of brightly lit astroturf...Either that, or you're happy...Both work for me, and although number one is my DEFINITE favorite, the second works pretty well for the rest of the populace...
God, I missed doing this...
But you must all be rather bored at this point...So bored, in fact, you can feel your eyelids drooping slightly, and a strange, Yiddish-speaking man telling you to "get off your lazy butt and respond to the girl's darn email!" And hey, who am I to argue with the Yiddish-speaking man?
Save yourself! Respond, my children!
Or don't. That's cool, too...
Have a good evening, and may all your news be good news...And not Chevy Chase news...
Ugg...
-me